


Guilt and Compassion

by Omega_White



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Beta Wanted, Bittersweet, Character Death, Death Eater Draco Malfoy, Drama, F/M, Missions Gone Wrong, Not Beta Read, Self-Reflection, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 02:28:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30065289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Omega_White/pseuds/Omega_White
Summary: Here in this remote clearing, I stand with my comrades. They are staring at me. Expectantly. Waiting. Their wands are pointed straight at me, and I know: There is no going back. I stare down at the ground… and two eyes look up to me in silent pleading.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Guilt and Compassion

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Schuld und Mitgefühl](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24613087) by [Omega_White](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Omega_White/pseuds/Omega_White). 



> Story is not beta read / I am not a native speaker

GUILT AND COMPASSION

-  
-  
-

It’s night. 

A silent night, and so cold. 

And I… I stand here. 

Motionless. 

Here, in the wilderness. Here…

My breath turns to steam in front of me. It’s winter. And all the trees have long since lost their leaves. 

Here in this remote clearing, I stand with my comrades. They…

They are staring at me. 

Expectantly. 

Waiting.

I am surrounded by my sworn brothers and sisters. And their wands are pointed straight at me. Without exception. Without hope. 

There is no going back.

I stare down at the ground… and two eyes look up to me in silent pleading. 

-  
-  
-

I felt strangely composed. Neither excited nor euphoric. I had imagined something different, lay awake for nights and imagined what it would be like…

My first mission on the Dark Lord’s behalf. 

Severus had warned me about this, had beseeched me to wait a bit longer. I wasn’t ready yet, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into... 

But I ignored all of his warnings. Because I wanted this so badly. I’ve wanted it for years. It was my dream, my… purpose. I couldn’t possibly wait any longer. And I wanted to make up for my past failures. My younger, weaker self hadn’t been able to murder Dumbledore. 

But I was stronger now. I wouldn’t shy away any longer. I would prove to myself and all the others that I am worth something. Worth standing beside those I spent my whole life admiring.

The others gradually arrived in the clearing. In the midst of the great, dark forest where no one would ever hear your screams. The Death Eaters have gathered here before, on many an occasion, and oh, how I had longed to finally be a part of it all. But… 

But the triumph tasted strangely stale. The dark mark on my forearm has yet to make me happy. It hurt. It didn’t keep what it had promised. But it was too late now… Too late for regrets. 

I put on my mask and pulled the hood of the long black cloak over my face.

At night all cats are grey. 

And all Death Eaters look the same with a cloak and mask. 

Severus was among them. No chance to tell where, though. He could have been any of them. And any of them could have been him. Macnair. Crabbe. Goyle. My former schoolmates’ fathers were now my sworn brothers. As if this was the most normal thing in the world. 

Bellatrix was also present. Her, you could recognize immediately. She was the loudest, always giggling or cursing or giving orders. As if she were the Dark Lord’s most trusted confidant, not my father… My father, who had been sent on a solo mission three days ago and has yet to return. 

I wasn’t worried about him. Not really. He knew what he was doing, he was a professional. But…

(But do you know it, Draco Malfoy? Do you know it for sure…?)

“Come on!“, Bellatrix‘s shrill voice carried across the clearing. „Come on! Come on! Let’s apparate!“

I took a deep breath and looked up to the sky. It was cloudy. And suddenly I felt the strangest feeling, the most peculiar longing: For the clouds to be gone. For them to give way to a sky filled with the brightest stars. I could sit down on the ground and lay back. Feel cold grass on my skin. Close my eyes for just a moment and take a deep breath. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe-

“COME ON!”

All doubts left me. They had to. I was a Death Eater. One of them. And before the night was over, people would die by my hand. 

I apparated. 

-  
-  
-

I swallow down the lump in my throat. 

I can barely breathe. And I’m trembling. Trembling in the cold, cloudy night under naked trees. Where no one will ever hear our screams. 

When did it start to snow? Can anyone tell me?

The black hoods around me are covered in it already. 

Her hair, too. Scattered flakes got tangled in unruly brown strands. 

She is freezing. 

Trembling. 

Just like myself. But I hardly feel the cold anymore. 

“DO IT!”, Bellatrix screeches. “JUST DO IT! NOW!”

My fingers have frozen to ice around the wand. They are numb like the rest of my body. But my heart…

My heart pounds so fast, the blood a roaring sound in my ears. 

What have I done… and what should I do?

Can anyone tell me?

-  
-  
-

My fifth year at Hogwarts… It had the highest highs. And the lowest lows. 

I seldom remember it. Because it hurts too much. 

Hermione and I…

We had to prepare some school project together. 

And at some point, I realized that she wasn’t all that bad. Pretty clever, actually… for a mudblood. 

Of course, I didn’t tell her that…

I said very little in her presence anyway. And somehow… After a while, I didn’t mind being seen with her anymore. And when my friends laughed about us… Or when her friends got upset… Even that didn’t bother me. 

And when the school project was over, we just… kept meeting each other. 

Mostly at night, in secret. It was better this way. Easier for both of us. She said that Weasley would throw a tantrum otherwise and I wasn’t particularly looking forward to my friends’ reaction either, so… It was our secret. Not dirty or little. More like… pure. And special. Something valuable. 

And then, one night… Everything changed. 

It was just before Christmas, and our breaths created steam clouds in the cold as we followed the little path down to the lake. We sat down in the half-frozen grass and I offered my coat for her to sit on. I didn’t want her to be cold. 

We were silent for a while. And then she leaned against me. Very gently. I felt the soft weight of her head on my shoulder. 

And I no longer felt the cold. 

“Draco…”, she said then, her voice a sweet caress. And I looked up to the sky, relishing the moment. The stars were bright that night. Brighter than ever before. And I wanted to stay there. Lost in this moment. With her. Forever.

“Draco…”

-  
-  
-

“Draco Malfoy, damn it! Just kill the brat already!” Bellatrix yells impatiently while the young woman looks up at me from below. There is still fear in her gaze, but something else too.

Compassion. 

“Draco…”, she whispers softly. 

I tear the hood off my head. Take off my mask. I don’t want them anymore. I can’t bear wearing them any longer. The Death Eaters remind me of vultures, circling over a dying animal, waiting for it to perish. The eyes peeking out from under the pale masks are cold and unforgiving. There is nothing human left in them. Their bodies must have long since frozen to ice, dead already despite their hearts still beating in a slow and even rhythm... while mine is beating so loud they must surely hear it. 

Hermione certainly hears it. 

The brown locks are disheveled. Her clothes torn. Blood and dirt besmirch her pretty face and my heart cramps painfully. Panic overtakes me. 

This is not how it was supposed to be! This shouldn’t have happened!

This should have been my first mission! Something to be proud of! Something I was looking forward to, for such a long time! What have I done wrong?! WHAT?! 

Silence surrounds me. Hermione is freezing. I want to take off my cloak and wrap it around her shoulders. I want to take her in my arms and kiss her hair, breathe her in…

But I can’t. Never again. I can only stand still. And do nothing. Overwhelmed with the feelings raging inside me, so many I can’t possibly keep them apart. Anger. Pain. Sorrow. Panic. And above all, an impotent feeling of helplessness. Consuming me. Forcing me to do nothing. 

Nothing at all. 

-  
-  
-

We apparated to a residential area in some Muggle town I never heard of before. I marginally noticed that the houses were brightly lit and colorful fairy lights were stretched around windows and trees. Christmas, I realized. How could I have forgotten? I had completely lost track of time after leaving Hogwarts. After joining the Death Eaters. 

Bellatrix stepped forward, randomly pointing at a house at the end of the street. It was as brightly lit as all the others. An ordinary house in an ordinary neighborhood. I followed the Death Eaters, suddenly weak at the knees. It was about to happen.

The mission was simple. Kill a few muggles to show the Order of the Phoenix that Voldemort was getting down to business. No prisoners. 

Killing a couple of randomly selected muggles… It couldn’t be that difficult, right? 

Bellatrix cast a spell on the house, cutting off all sounds from the outside world. Then she unlocked the door and stormed in, the other Death Eaters right on her heels. I followed them, slowly but surely. I tried to ignore the tables and cupboards, lovingly adorned with Christmas decorations. It smelled of cinnamon and fried apples.

Then the screaming began, pulling me back to reality. 

I rushed into the living room, only to see a young man writhing on the floor, trapped in Bellatrix’s Crucio spell. She laughed her high-pitched trademark laugh, then screeched in delight as the man moaned and screamed and twitched under the spell, with Bellatrix getting more and more excited. 

Then she noticed me standing in the doorway. “Hey Malfoy!”, she exclaimed happily. “This one is for you! Consider it a Christmas present!”

In his agony, the man looked barely human anymore. More like an animal driven to the slaughter. Struggling in vain, gradually realizing that its time has come. 

I noticed a Christmas tree in the corner of the room, with colorful balls and lovingly wrapped gifts, and this sight, combined with the man’s screams, brought tears to my eyes. And suddenly I felt sick. I… didn’t imagine it would be like this. 

Somewhere around me, perhaps above us on the first floor, more curses were uttered, more people screamed and suffered and died on this Christmas Eve. “NO!”, the young man shrieked when he heard the noises. “NO! My wife! My child!”

“You hear that, Malfoy?”, Bellatrix said, amused. “The guy has a family! How delightful! What do you think - Should we bring them down here so they can die together?” 

“Stop it!”, I yelled because I couldn’t take it any longer: The screaming and begging, the bones cracking and breaking under Bellatrix’s curse. 

She snorted mockingly. “You little sissy, don’t you want to end his suffering? Two little words, it’s all it takes to let him rest in peace… and end his pathetic whining. What do you think, Malfoy? Do you have it in you?!”

(Come on, Draco… This is what you always wanted… An opportunity to show your worth! Surely you must have known what to expect! Now be a good boy and do what you’re told! What would your father say if he could see you right now…)

More bones broke. The man coughed up blood with a choked gurgle and his body gave a last jerk… before it stopped moving. And Bellatrix cursed heavily. “This is your fault! You waited too long!”, she scolded before shaking her head. “Now we have to find someone else!”

But the others were already dead too. Mother and child hadn’t lasted as long as the father. The Death Eaters left the house and gathered on the street. “Let’s go back.“, one of them suggested and I recognized Severus’ voice. “Our mission is accomplished, no need to dwell.”

‘Yes!’, I silently pleaded. ‘Let’s go back! It’s enough! Enough for a lifetime! I can’t stand it any longer!’

“Oh come on, Severus!”, Bellatrix chided. “Don’t you think one muggle family is a bit meager? One more, since we’re already here!”

The other Death Eaters agreed. And that was that. 

“Draco!”, Bellatrix cooed, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and gripping a bit too tightly. “You should still get your chance! Don’t you agree?” She spreads her free arm in a wide gesture. “You can even choose the house!” 

I swallowed, feeling numb inside. The memory of cinnamon and Christmas decorations combined with the horrible screams had paralyzed my entire insides. “I don’t care.”, I heard myself say. “One house is like the other.”

Bellatrix shrugged, releasing her grip on my shoulders. “Whatever. “, she said and pointed randomly at a house just across the street. “Let’s take this one, then.”

Soon another spell was cast and another door was opened. This time, I was the second one to enter. I didn’t notice the Christmas decorations. I focused on Bellatrix’ black-clad form in front of me, and on the weight of the wand in my hand. I followed Bellatrix through the living room door…

And my personal nightmare began. Brutally clear. As if in slow-motion.

A middle-aged man and woman sat on the sofa. They were in the middle of lighting some candles. The sudden opening of the door startled them, and they looked up, confused, and then Bellatrix raised her wand, and at that very moment another door opened, just behind the elder couple… And a young woman with bushy brown hair entered the living room. 

And the world stopped turning. 

And my heart skipped a beat.

I knew her face! I knew her! It was-

“Crucio!”, Bellatrix cried and Hermione went down with a yelp. Her parents jumped up, shouted something, but were instantly hit by stunning curses.

Hermione squirmed on the floor, groaning in agony, eyeballs rolling back. 

No!”, I yelled and threw myself between Beatrix and Hermione, breaking the spell. “You can’t do this!”

Beatrix lowered her wand with a hiss and measured me with an angry, threatening look. “And why is that, Malfoy?”, she growled. 

“Draco…?”, Hermione croaked in confusion. Our eyes met and I felt naked under her gaze. 

And time stood still. 

-  
-  
-

On a moonless night, surrounded by stars and icy cold, Hermione softly whispered my name, rubbing her head against my shoulder. 

And I could resist the temptation no longer. I put my arm around her waist and she snuggled even closer. I softly propped my head on hers and breathed in the scent of her hair like a drowning man, her presence alone my lifeline. 

“Draco, I…”, She took a deep breath. “I think…”

Did she mean to…?

My breath caught. My heart fluttered wildly in my chest and her scent clouded my senses. And I felt like… like I would pass out if I didn’t hear those liberating words that I myself had never dared speak aloud. They would change it all. Everything. If only she-

“I like you very much.”, she said softly, and I didn’t know if I should feel relief or disappointment, because… there was more. So much more. I just knew it. 

I softly moved our bodies so I could look at her face. I met her gaze, searching, maybe finding, and I could see the stars reflecting in her eyes. They were all around us, shining down from the vastness of the skies above, spread over the whole horizon, never as bright and as clear as in this particular moment, but… 

But only in her eyes, they managed to unfold their utmost beauty. 

Only in her eyes, their glow seemed to serve a higher purpose. 

‘I love you, Draco Malfoy‘, the eyes expressed what the mouth did not speak.

And I tried to do the same. To show her what couldn’t be spoken aloud. Without a doubt… But I’m so terribly bad at such things. Feelings. Expressing them. I couldn’t have been sure if she read my gaze correctly. 

That’s why I kissed her. 

I put my hand behind Hermione’s neck and pulled her head toward me. She was already closing her eyes, and a heartbeat later I followed, concentrating on my other senses alone: Her breath on my skin, the scent of her hair, and then finally, finally, the taste of her lips on mine. 

It was a bit clumsy; the way first kisses tend to be. But to me, it was perfection. 

I pulled her body even closer to mine and despite the cold, despite the dark night and the wet ground, her touch burned my skin like fire. 

And I prayed… For the first time in my life, I prayed to whatever deity out there would listen to me… I prayed for this moment to last. For the time to stand still, making us sit here forever, trapped in darkness and eternal cold, lost and yet together, merged in body warmth and kisses. 

When we finally parted, I looked up to the sky, just in time to see a falling star. 

And though my wish to stay here forever would never come true, I still hoped that somehow…, everything would be alright. 

-  
-  
-

“Wait a minute – I know her!”, Bellatrix suddenly shouted. “It’s that Gryffindor bitch! The one from the Department of Mysteries! Harry Potter’s little girlfriend!” She shrieked, laughing hysterically. “What a coincidence! Draco, I think we have found the perfect practice piece for you!” She was so delighted, so distracted, that she already forgot that it was me who broke her curse in the first place. That I still stood between her and Hermione.

And I went numb.

‘This can’t be happening!’, is the only thing I was able to think, over and over again. “This can’t be happening!’ 

I looked at the other Death Eaters in front of me, searching their dark eyes behind the masks, silently beseeching them to help me. To have mercy on me. On her. And for a moment it seemed that my prayers were answered. 

“We should take the girl to the Dark Lord.”, Severus said in a firm voice. “Since she is a close friend of Potter’s, she may be in possession of some valuable information that-“

“Severus!”, Bellatrix interrupted him harshly and I saw Hermione’s eyes widen at the mention of our former teacher’s name. “You and your wretched ideas! I have strict orders from the Dark Lord himself to not take any prisoners! And I certainly won’t make an exception for some filthy mudblood… Especially if she’s friends with Harry Potter! Just imagine his heartbreak when he hears of her death… Maybe we can send him her head on a platter and-“

“Bellatrix, be reasonable!”, Severus argued. “Think about-“

“Stop it!”, Bellatrix shrieked, turning to address the rest of the Death Eaters. “Who wants Malfoy to kill the little mudblood?!”

The Death Eaters cheered and laughed and I looked at Severus pleadingly – He was the only one who might still have a chance to change something… But he only shook his head. And I finally realized what a grave mistake I made. If only I had been the one to choose a house… If only I hadn’t let Bellatrix make the decision for me… I could have made a difference, could have changed everything! This situation was my fault. My fault alone. For I put my fate in Bellatrix’s hands… and forfeited my life in the process. 

“Take her back to the clearing!”, Bellatrix ordered. “Let’s see if Malfoy can prove his worth for once!”

“What about the other two?”, one of the Death Eaters asked, and I thought I recognized Goyle’s voice. 

‘My brothers…’, I thought bitterly. ‘My brothers have deserted me.’

Bellatrix glanced at Hermione’s parents and shrugged. “Kill them.”, she said offhandedly and left the room. 

-  
-  
-

The snow has soaked us through. 

My feet are frozen and my hands are made of ice. 

Hermione…

Somehow, I think I had it coming. Something as bad as this. Serves me right, doesn’t it?

I spent my life dreaming of being a Death Eater. Of glorious deeds in the name of the Dark Lord. 

But what a fool I had been. This whole time, I didn’t understand anything. Nothing at all. Is it heroic to ambush, torture and murder innocent men, women and even children on Christmas Eve? Does this look like some glorious deed?

I had known what the Death Eaters were doing, had known whom I was binding myself to. They are just muggles, I always thought. They deserve no better. But… But the screams. The pleading. The tears. The young man’s begging to spare his family… It had all been so terribly real! So terribly human! These people lived, loved and died just like the rest of us!

Voldemort’s ideals are based on lies, and I am only just now realizing it. With brutal certainty. Now that a loved one is about to die at my hands. And the guilt nearly overwhelms me, nearly brings me down to my knees. Because deep down I know, that killing a stranger would have been relatively easy.

I look at Hermione and all the memories of our time together come crashing down on me, all the feelings I felt. The secret meetings. The hugs. The sweet kisses. The dark nights. The bright stars. Her head on my shoulder. 

The summer I spent in her arms was the best I ever had. 

But the summer was followed by an early autumn. And an even earlier winter. When I was told about Voldemort’s plans for me, killing Dumbledore and joining the Death Eaters, I felt excited. Finally, I thought. Finally, my dreams were about to come true…

But I did not realize that my dreams of the future had changed in the meantime, without me even realizing it. 

And when I met Hermione at the beginning of the new term…, I wasn’t able to look her in the eye. 

And that was the end of it. 

“MALFOY!”, Bellatrix screams. “If you don’t kill her right now, I swear, I will do it! And believe me, it won’t be slow or painless!”

I have to do something.

I have to act. 

The time has come. 

I point my wand at Hermione. My hand is shaking badly, I can barely hold it straight. 

Hermione looks up at me, strangely composed. And I can see in her eyes that she doesn’t hate me. And it may be the worst thing of all: Her compassion. I feel so guilty that I am barely able to stand it. I remember everything we had. Every single minute of it. But we were never meant to last, lived on borrowed time from the very beginning. But I loved her! Yes. How I loved her. How I love her still. 

I would kill for her. 

But I would never kill her. 

It changes everything. 

„AVADA KEDAVRA!“, I scream, pointing my wand at Bellatrix. 

‘Die!’, I think. ‘Die, monster! You’re dead inside already, so do us all a favor and die for good! And leave us in peace!’

A bright green light erupts from my wand, enveloping Bellatrix and throwing her to the ground, instantly dead. 

And hell breaks loose. 

Hermione jumps up and pulls out her own wand. The Death Eaters probably didn’t think about searching her thoroughly. Smart, wonderful Hermione, who always carries her wand with her!

She casts spells and dodges, ducks, throws herself to the side. And I do the same. If only Severus would help us, the three of us would surely stand a chance… 

But Severus is nowhere to be seen. Just a flock of angry crows that spew fire of red and green color. All around us, everywhere. And in-between, there is just the two of us. 

Hermione…

Our eyes meet one more time. One last time. She smiles…

She smiles at me while all around us, the curses just barely miss their target. And I have never seen more clearly as in these final moments: The snowflakes in her hair. The warmth in her gaze. The love in her smile… As if nothing had changed. As if we were still sitting on the lakeshore, surrounded by darkness and the prospect of happier times. 

I throw myself to the side to avoid a curse, and when I get back on my feet, I see Hermione go down, engulfed in green. 

…No…

“NO!”, I scream in horror. “HERMIONE!”

I have to reach her. Be with her. It’s the only thing there is left to do. My whole life passes before my eyes, but I barely notice it. My thoughts are with her. My feelings. My everything. I need to tell her, all those things I was never able to tell her, I couldn’t… I should have… And she is dead. Dead! And-

“Avada Kedavra.”

Everything in this world has its price.

But I am glad… 

In the end I am glad to have experienced true love, if only for a little moment. And that for once, I did the right thing. If only at the very end. 

I get hit by the curse and fall down to the ground. But the last thing I see is not the deadly green light, but white snowflakes under a dark sky.

And the memory of eyes filled with stars. 

-  
-  
-

THE END


End file.
